Hello, my old friend. I was hoping to never feel you again, but I see that I was mistaken. I guess time does not heal all wounds after all.
Today marks my very first day of...therapy.
I hate that word. Therapy. This may have been my first day talking about my feelings to a random stranger, but believe me, there was nothing fucking therapeutic about it. If anything, I feel like shit. I know I'm thoroughly fucked up, but i prefer not to rub salt in my own wounds.
Therapy is going to be quite a ride. I've already had a very rough month, but something tells me that this is just the beginning. The feelings i've buried so far down are emerging, and that terrifies me. I feel like I'm 17 again. I feel so dark and clouded. I feel so confused and really, really, fucking angry. I thought growing up and getting married would mean that these feelings would go away. It did, for while. I guess it just really is impossible to outrun your demons. But at least I can say that I tried...
You know, I love hearing how inspiring my love story with Jeremiah is. It makes my heart so happy knowing that people look up to us. That we make them believe in that fairytale love. That if we somehow don't make it, what hope do they have? I eat that shit up. It seems like Jeremiah's the only thing I've gotten right in my life, so sure, I like to believe that myself. "Yeah, we're a pretty perfect couple!" Ohhh, but if they only knew. I feel like a fucking fraud. Our marriage is, while beautiful, nowhere near perfect. We lack one very important thing that every marriage needs to survive. Right now, it's destroying us. And that is all on me...it's all my fault.
It's time to stop running, I suppose. I only hope that I'll be strong enough to fight my demons, but I'm afraid that I won't be. I'm afraid that it will consume me, and ruin my marriage in the process. Only time will tell. I just hope Jeremiah realizes what he's doing to me...
Because he's just opened the floodgate.
