Hello.

Hello, my old friend. I was hoping to never feel you again, but I see that I was mistaken. I guess time does not heal all wounds after all. 

Today marks my very first day of...therapy. 

I hate that word. Therapy. This may have been my first day talking about my feelings to a random stranger, but believe me, there was nothing fucking therapeutic about it. If anything, I feel like shit. I know I'm thoroughly fucked up, but i prefer not to rub salt in my own wounds.

Therapy is going to be quite a ride. I've already had a very rough month, but something tells me that this is just the beginning. The feelings i've buried so far down are emerging, and that terrifies me. I feel like I'm 17 again. I feel so dark and clouded. I feel so confused and really, really, fucking angry. I thought growing up and getting married would mean that these feelings would go away. It did, for while. I guess it just really is impossible to outrun your demons. But at least I can say that I tried...

You know, I love hearing how inspiring my love story with Jeremiah is. It makes my heart so happy knowing that people look up to us. That we make them believe in that fairytale love. That if we somehow don't make it, what hope do they have? I eat that shit up. It seems like Jeremiah's the only thing I've gotten right in my life, so sure, I like to believe that myself. "Yeah, we're a pretty perfect couple!" Ohhh, but if they only knew. I feel like a fucking fraud. Our marriage is, while beautiful, nowhere near perfect. We lack one very important thing that every marriage needs to survive. Right now, it's destroying us. And that is all on me...it's all my fault. 

It's time to stop running, I suppose. I only hope that I'll be strong enough to fight my demons, but I'm afraid that I won't be. I'm afraid that it will consume me, and ruin my marriage in the process. Only time will tell. I just hope Jeremiah realizes what he's doing to me...

Because he's just opened the floodgate.

That Married Life.

WE'RE ENGAGED!!!

Life is Beautiful.

Beautiful words of wisdom from a dear old friend:

This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. people will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up becuase if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.

No matter who it's from, it's good to hear. Thanks for the smile, Tommy :)

Day 22

I am thankful for life.

Day 5

I am thankful for dreams.

Day 4

I am thankful for film.

Day 3

I am thankful for my family.

Day 2

I am thankful for the sun.

Day 1

I am thankful for Jeremiah Dreier.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.

I feel that seasonal depression train coming in...

All aboard.

Hiding.

Sorry for telling you the truth.

Lesson Learned.

To The Woman Who Got My Mother Fired.

You're a fat, ugly, cock-sucking bitch.

I hope you choke on your cake.


P.S. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

Day 30: Darkness Round the Sun.

The last day of my 30 Day Picture Challenge...

A picture of someone you miss.

And I have the perfect person to write about.

BUT...I think I won't.

In the end, it's not about those that don't stick around, it's about those that do.

So here's to all of the fallen soldiers of my life's journey...

You won't be missed.

Day 29: Beautiful Love.

"A picture that can always make you smile."

No blog post necessary.

Just a smile :)

Day 28: Flatlined.

A picture of something you're afraid of.

Well unfortunately this post may be very redundant.

My biggest, most terrifying fear in life is dying. Thanataphobia, to be exact. To elaborate even more, the thing I'm most afraid of is dying before I get the chance to call Jeremiah my husband.

Don't ask me why; I have absolutely no idea. I was never really afraid of death until after I met him. I guess it is the thought of never being able to fulfill the entire fairy tale that our relationship is. I guess it's just that I'm terrified of losing him, even by my own death.

And then there's just the question of what happens after you die. That unknown territory freaks me the fuck out.

I really just more than anything want to live a long, beautiful and happy life by Jeremiah's side. I want little rugrats running around our home and for us to grow old together.

Death is inevitable. I know that. I only hope that that I am able to live my life the way I want to before that fateful day comes.

Day 27: Family Portrait.

"A picture of yourself and a family member."

This is my daddy :)

I like to think that I used to be more of a daddy's girl. We never really got in each other's hair much...I don't think...we both just kinda like to sit back and watch the show.

The film, in our case really.

He ignited my love for film. I will forever be thankful that we really did nothing but watch movies. I would say he has always supported me with my various hobbies, if only by getting me books and movies to watch about it. It worked though.

I think I picked this mainly because I just really love this picture.

It makes me happy :)

Day 26: How Much For Happy?

A picture of something that means a lot to you.

Happiness.

Day 25: Dance with the Devil.

"A picture of your favorite day."

I seriously couldn't choose a favorite day, but there were several favorite times that I could think of. Most include Jeremiah (obviously), but in order to have some variety, I chose the next best thing: My times in Mexico. Specifically, Summer of 2004.

The best summer of my life.

This was the summer that I went to Europe for the second time and got to visit one of my favorite countries, Italy. It was the summer that I celebrated my Quinceañera and the summer I that I essentially grew up. But my favorite part of all...it was the summer I found out that my cousin was gay.

The week that I spent in San Luis that summer was one of the greatest weeks ever. I made so many friends and opened up in a way that I never had before. I was full of life that year, I never stopped smiling. That week, my cousin's "friend" was staying at his house for school. Well that "friend"...was insanely hot. I spent a lot of time talking to him, so much that I never realized how angry my cousin was acting towards me. That didn't last for too long. Before I knew it, he dragged me into his room and told me that he was gay.

And that was just peachy! Didn't bother me at all...not really until I realized where he was going with it. Turns out that guy staying with him, the guy I had spent so much time getting to know and was starting to like, was his boyfriend!!! Go figure. I eventually laughed it off; it's kinda funny now.

After opening up to me, my cousin took me out to meet his friends. We went to the Plaza downtown. That's where I met the majority of the gay community of SLP. And they were all such amazing people...even the girl that hit on me, although that was just more awkward than amazing. At some point in that week, my cousin took me to my first club. That was fun, but not what I really expected.

The real fun was at the gay clubs we hit up afterwards.

I don't think I've ever had so much fun in my life! I felt so comfortable around these people. I let loose and danced the night away. Everyone taught me the "gay dance", which literally everyone in the club knows. There was even a shout out to "The girl from Oklahoma!" I didn't want that night to end.

The picture above doesn't do this memory justice, but it's one of the best ones that represents what I loved so much about that summer. My cousin and his friends. Just don't mind the girl on the far left.

She's only there because I couldn't crop her out.

Day 24: Second Chance.

A picture of something you wish you could change.


Too much to list.