Day 3: OMFG.

"A picture of the cast from you're favorite show."

Don't Hate.

Yes, for as "different & dark" as I am, my top show is in fact the prepster favorite, Gossip Girl. But then again, is that really so hard to believe? That show is seriously hot...and I do mean the eyecandy.

On a more serious, deeper note, I think the reason I like this show is because I have a problem with envy. It seems like every show I watch is actually me watching people I envy, fictional or not. Gossip Girl is a show about the rich and beautiful living their fabulous, if not scandalous, lives. E! News is a news show about the rich and beautiful living their fabulous, if not scandalous, lives. 90210 is a show about the rich and beautiful...living their fabulous...if not scandalous....lives. Well, Survivor is a show about adventure?! I ENVY ALL OF THAT! It's a sad world.

TV is my personal torture.

That's why I major in film.

P.S. BLUCK FOREVER! :P

Day 2: Cry Little Sister...

"A picture of you and the person you used to be close with."

Here's to my brother, Lee...

When we were little tiny babies (err, kids?), I can't say we were super close. He and my sister lived in Ft. Worth, TX with their mother (he's my "half-brother") and so I only got to see them every once and a while. But then sometime later, he moved here with my parents. Now, he's quite a bit older than me, 10 years to be exact, so I obviously looked up to him. When I was about 12 years old, things really changed for me. I became angsty, angry and over emotional. I started listening to metal, dressing in black and eating alone. Seeing that I had no friends, I really turned to my brother for company at home. Not to mention, we had one big thing in common: Music.

Everyone always tells me that the only reason I became a so-called "metalhead" is because of Lee. Well, I can't completely discredit him. He was after all the one that introduced me to most of what I listen to. But I did start kinda listening to it wayyy before he was around. It was just meant to happen! Well, so he was always introducing me to new bands, when he started a band himself, he invited me to his band practices, we would go to shows together, etc etc. I'd say we became real close after that. Closer than most full siblings I knew.

Then at the beginning of 2009, he and my dad had a huge falling out. I won't go into details, but it was bad. Eventually, that meant that he and I had our own falling out since I defended my father. The last thing I said to him was that if he claimed that he didn't have a father anymore, then he could claim he didn't have a sister either. We went almost 2 years without speaking to each other...

It amazed me how we could stop speaking to each other like it was nothing. I was so angry with him at first that I pretended not to care. If he wanted to be a childish asshole, then fine, so be it. That attitude lasted maybe a year. It eventually just turned into hurt for having lost basically one of my best friends.

In November of last year, we finally started talking again. It happened the day before his wedding when my sister Shana talked me into calling him to at least congratulate him. It was incredibly emotional and I was terrified to speak to him. But everything worked out alright. We both apologized to each other and confessed how much we missed each other. He even invited me to his wedding the next day. Now THAT was an emotional meeting, but it was wonderful. Since then, we have tried to stay in contact regularly; a phone call a week or so. Unfortunately we have both been so busy that the first time we were able to see each other since was just a few days ago at a Skinlab show.

Things definitely aren't the same between us. We've lost that "closeness" we had before. I can tell we are both trying to go back to the way it was before, though. Hopefully in time it will be. Till then, I'm just glad I have a brother again...

Day 1: Mirror Mirror On The Wall...

Well it's a snow day in the lovely state of Oklahoma. To commemorate this cold event, not to mention to cure myself of a severe case of cabin fever, I figure why the hell not! Here is day one of my 30-Day Picture Challenge.

15 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME

1. I found the love of my life in 2008.
2. I am majoring in film.
3. I am obsessed with makeup.
4. I am a so-called metal-head.
5. I have high anxiety.
6. I am a loner.
7. The number 7 follows me everywhere.
8. I am an envious person.
9. I am a pro at pushing people away.
10. I am a daydreamer.
11. I enjoy spending time with my family.
12. I do not understand how he still loves me.
13. I am afraid of dying.
14. I need therapy.
15. I still know what happy is.

There's No Going Back.

Once a cutter, always a cutter.

Going Under.

Ever feel like you're no good at anything?

I always feel that way. I don't even know how I got to this point. I like to think there was something special there before. Now it's all just...a blur.

Life has been so different lately, and yet it hasn't changed a bit. Norman isn't what I expected at all. Moving away from home wasn't as exciting as it should have been. Living with Jeremiah is almost the same as not living with Jeremiah. School sucks just the same. Friends are still half existent. This life is not what it was supposed to be.

I try to stay happy, but deep down when I look into the mirror I know that I'm doing nothing but lying to my own face. But I still try to stay happy.

After all, I have no real reason to be unhappy. My boyfriend is amazing. My family is amazing. My friends are amazing. My school is amazing. My work is amazing? Shit.

Lies.Lies.Lies.

My relationship with Jeremiah scares me sometimes. I'm so madly in love with him; that part is not a lie by any means. I only wonder if he still feels the same anymore. Sometimes I feel as if what we do is just routine. I feel almost feel like his wife already. The part that frightens me is that we are not married...not engaged...not anything with a boyfriend and a girlfriend living together. I question if he's bored already. If he's annoyed already. How the hell did I become the bitchy wife without being an effing wife. What have I gotten myself into?...

My parents have been pretty great lately. They dealt with my move better than I thought they would. Hell, me moving in with my boyfriend wasn't easy for me, I can't imagine how they silently dealt with that. We've been kinder to each other. I get homesick a lot. I can't usually leave my parents house without crying.

...My parents house...I hate saying that. It's still my effing house. It's my real home...

I miss Lee. I miss Cheyenne. I hate that we don't speak anymore. I hate that I can't see how little Cheyenne is growing. Most of all I hate that I can't hate him. After every word...he's still my big brother and I love him.

I'm worthless in school. I don't know how i've made it this far. I've been sitting at this table for 5 hours attempting to write a paper for Philosophy. 5 Hours...for a two page paper...and I'm not even half way there. I'm pathetic.

It's all bullshit.

It's funny when person with so much in life feels like they have nothing at all.

Falling Head Over Feet.

I Love Him.

Yeah, I said it. I love him with everything in me. I know it's only been a few months, but...I just know. I don't even have to think about it at all! I have NEVER in my life felt this way about anyone, or anything! I have no words to describe how he makes me feel. I feel so lucky to have him. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't care who laughs or who doubts, I know in my heart that I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't even want to look. He is seriously the most amazing person I have ever met.

And what's even better, I know I'm not alone in this. The things he says to me...it drives me wild to think anyone could ever have such strong feelings for me. No one has ever treated me with such love and care as he does. I never thought it was possible to love someone so much and so fast, but he proved me oh so wrong. He amazes me.

Well, right now he'll be gone for two months, and it is literally killing me inside. I'm a mess without him. But I know that we will be strong and stick together in this. Now if only I could get him to believe me when I tell him that I am in this till the end. I'm not going anywhere. I guess all I can really do for myself is count down the days till his return.

7 days down, 62 more to go...

It honestly baffles me how one can grow to love another human being this way. It's the most amazing feeling in the world. I remember just months ago, I would lie in bed at night questioning my reasons to live. Now I feel like I actually have something going for me. I've been waiting my whole life to love him. I will never let him go. He is the reason I want to grow up. I am truly blessed.

I can't believe I finally found him.

So there's this boy...

Now I'm not gonna jump out there and call it the L word or whatever, but damn it feels so good...

It's only been two weeks, officially that is, but still I find myself thinking about him day and night. I miss him every moment that we're not together and wait anxiously for the next time I will get to see him. My cheeks are in constant pain from smiling so big, it's a crazy thing. I don't think a guy has ever made me smile so much!

He's the perfect gentleman. Since the very first time I met him, he has done nothing but treat me with full respect and care. It's like he can do no wrong. He knows everything about me, and I mean EVERYTHING...he didn't turn away. Hell, he didn't even blink away. He has accepted me for all that I am, and that's something I thought would take a miracle to happen.

People notice the change in attitude that I've had since I've been with him. I couldn't be happier. From a sincere smile to the bounce in my walk, everyone's seeing that there's something beautiful happening in my life right now. It's almost too good to be true.

I think I may have finally found my Prince Charming <3