"Baby You're My Disease"

Baby, baby,
When we first met,
I never felt somethin' so strong,
You were like my lover and my best friend,
All wrapped in one with a ribbon on it,
And all of a sudden you went and left,
I didn't know how to follow,
It's like a shock that spun me around,
And now my heart's dead,
I feel so empty and hollow.

And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you,
You don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back,
And you're the one to blame,
And now I feel like.

Ohh, you're the reason why I'm thinkin',
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more,
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinkin',
Should've never let you enter my door,
Next time you wanna go on and leave,
I should just let you go on and do it,
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed.

It's like I checked into rehab,
And baby, you're my disease,
It's like I checked into rehab,
And baby, you're my disease,
I gotta check into rehab,
'Cause baby you're my disease,
I gotta check into rehab,
'Cause baby you're my disease.

Damn, ain't it crazy when you're loveswept,
You'd do anythin' for the one you love,
'Cause anytime that you needed me I'd be there,
It's like you were my favorite drug,
The only problem is that you was using me,
In a different way than I was using you,
But now that I know it's not meant to be,
I gotta go, I gotta wean myself off of you.

And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you,
You don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back,
And you're the one to blame,
And now I feel like.

Ohh, you're the reason why I'm thinkin',
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more,
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinkin',
Should've never let you enter my door,
Next time you wanna go on and leave,
I should just let you go on and do it,
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed.

It's like I checked into rehab,
And baby, you're my disease,
It's like I checked into rehab,
And baby, you're my disease,
I gotta check into rehab,
'Cause baby you're my disease,
I gotta check into rehab,
'Cause baby you're my disease.


-- REHAB - Rihanna --

Don't Lie Down With Dogs.

So he dumped me. Go figure, right?

The sad thing is, i've been really upset, but not so much with him as I am with myself. I'm extremely disappointed in myself. I feel stupid. Foolish. I never learn. I did things I didn't want to for him, so I could be a decent girlfriend. I hurt people I didn't mean to hurt. I worst of all, I lost some people that I NEVER wanted to lose. I kicked them to the side because I wanted to try and make things work with him, and in the end, for what? One fucking month? Classic...

That's all it was. One month. A lame excuse for a "relationship". I can't believe I didn't listen to people. I can't believe that instead of going with my heart, I went with my head. And now I'm here. Pitiful. I hope he's happy. For his sake, I hope he finds some nasty tramp to help him out a bit. I think he was about to burst..and I don't really mean that in a bad way. With all sincerity, he's not going to change. For his own good, he might as well jump right back in to the game and take up a few more names for his list. Once a whore, always a whore..

Well, now that I get all of that out of my system, I think i'm okay. It's not like we were dating forever, one month is nothing, just like him. Upset for a few days, now I'm good and ready to have my fun as a single girl again! And hey, some good things have already come out of it. The guys seem a little more comfortable talking to me again. It's like they couldn't before because he was like watching their every move around me lol. I hear some of the guys are REALLY pissed at him, not exactly because of me, but then again for some, I hear that's a good reason. I hear the guys tore him up at meeting on Monday. Not that I want that...well, maybe a little. Can you blame me?! I can't help but love that people are smacking him across the head calling him a fucking idiot. It makes one feel good! And then there's...hmm.

Zach and I are talking again. Last thing I thought would happen, but he was nice enough to come over and give me a hug, apologizing for Ryan's stupidity, which funny enough is the same stupidity he himself made about nine months ago. He apologized profusely for that one, finally clearing the air. That made me really happy. But as we laugh and smile, joking around about how we're both in the same ship (SINGLES UNITED!), I don't know how I really feel about him being back. As long as he doesn't try to "do what feels right" again, I think we'll be okay. But otherwise, I'm just not too sure. Fuck, I don't even want find out what everyone would say...Not happening.

Well, now that's it's done and over with, I hate it, but it's okay. I don't plan on doing things the way with him that I may have done with Zach. I still want to talk to him like the friends that we used to be. I may joke around telling him to go injure some poor girl and get it all out of his system. I know he needs it, and I really mean it in a good joking way! I actually wouldn't doubt he's done it already lol. I refuse to let things be awkward with him. Whatever, I'm so over it. Now I can go back to my ways and be happy. Drink Up!

Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned.

Things are spinning out of control. I'm loosing it. I don't know what I got myself into. God, what have I done?

Things have been going good with him. He makes me happy. No one has given us too much shit like I thought, or at least not to my face. He seems sincere. I believe his words.

They tell me to follow my heart, not my head. Well fuck. I've never been good at that. I can never really figure out which one is coming from my head and which one is coming from my heart. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

My thoughts are killing me. They are my killers. I need to get away. I want to escape. Leave nothing behind...

I know this makes absolutely no sense. My head is just not where it should be. Good thing all this that I write is for my own self.

I am not a saint.
I am not a bad person.
I am not an alcoholic, damn you.

Gypsy Woman

I really hope i realize what I'm getting myself into. The pressures, the differences and the disagreements. I don't know what it is about him, but I always find myself back in his path. I never let myself get close enough, but this time is different. He really seems different, like he really wants to change his ways and settle down. If that really is the case, then I will gladly give him a chance, which I am, I just hope I'm not wrong. I hope he's being sincere.

But the things he says...he's a charmer. I've always been good at knowing when someone is just saying things they don't mean to get what they want, but his voice sounds so real when he says it. When he says he wants to straighten out and be with someone real. When he says that for the first time in a while, he actually cares about something more than himself and his brothers. When he looks at me in the eyes and says that he really wants things to work with me. I'm different. I'm not like all those other girls. Apparently I'm real. I can't believe I'm falling for his words. I can't understand it, but I am.

We're going to get so much shit for this.

No one will understand it. They're going to kill us. Well, they'll taunt me and kill him. All the guys will tell me that he's not going to change. I can hear it now. At least I know that if he does play me and I end up broken, they'll break his face. I love my boys.

I'd hate myself if I didn't try and see what happens. The worst that can happen is him breaking my heart. And i've already gained that state of mind where i've realized that every guy I'm with will hurt me at one point or another until I find the man I marry, and even then, he'll probably break my heart once or twice, i'll just actually stuck it up and live with it.

But still, I hope I'm ready for this. This could be total chaos.

Temporary Insanity

Things have been getting a little better for me. I know that I can't just give up on things that easily. Things are improving everyday.

Luckily things with him aren't that bad. Of course nothing ever happened, we remain friends..but i think i'm okay with that again. He still kills me with things he says sometimes, but in a good way. I'm so glad things didn't become awkward after I told him. That would surly have murdered me. We haven't talked as much because we don't have a class together anymore and I hardly see him at work, but I think that could be a good thing for me. I'm not going to completely forget about him, but it'll make it easier for me to move along. Sometimes I question liking him now anyway. Sometimes I get the feeling that maybe I wasn't so crazy about him after all. Maybe I was just crazy about the idea of having someone LIKE him. Whether that's the case or not, i'll let myself believe that. It would do me some good.

School is doing a little better I think. I finished my first class with an A, but I really didn't expect anything lower for that specific class. I'm doing as much extra credit in my Healthy Life Skills class as possible so I can bring my grade up. Not to mention with what we're studying right now, i'm sure to pass the next exam. I mean come on. Sex, Drugs and Alcohol...who wouldn't be interested in that. I actually studied for my mass communications exam and walked out with an A! My professor seemed slightly surprised, but I was glad to have shocked him. And then there's my biggest concern...government. Just took an exam on Monday...and I feel really confident! I studied enough and I knew most everything on there. Then we have extra credit opportunities that I'm happy to do. I think I'll make it through the end of my first semester okay.

Work hasn't gotten any better, but whatever. I'm not going to let that bog me down. I'll probably start looking for a new job here pretty soon. Of course out of the food business. I just don't think I can do that again. And after all that, my social life has managed to stay alive. Not as insane as it used to be, but still there. I think I may have found the perfect balance.

My 19th birthday is tomorrow. I think it'll be a good day. Another year has passed me by...who would have thought i'd make it this far.

Leave Me With Nothing But A Broken Heart.

I told him. I finally got it out. The feelings for him that ive kept hidden inside for so long has been released. And now I feel so empty. I know he doesn't feel the same way about me. I thought I had come to terms with that. I thought I would be okay...but i'm not. It's just not fair. Why did things between us have to be so complicated...I can't even see my computer screen. I've felt this way time and time again, you'd think i'd be used to it by now. But yet it still doesn't seem to get any easier. It's just not fair.

I need a drink.

Am I Too Lost To Be Saved?

It just hit me today. I have a lot more probems than I'd like to think I do. I've focused so much on the things that shouldn't matter so much right now that i've completely let go of what I should be focusing on. I'm not doing as well in school as I pretend. I have a D in Healthy Life Skills because I don't make the time to study for my exams, which i've bombed the only 2 i've taken so far. I've bombed the only too exams i've taken in Government as well, so I can expect a D or possibly an F in that class. Who even knows about my Intro to Mass Comm class...I haven't done that great on some quizzes and the professor probably hates me. I dozed off in his class yesterday and after waking me up went on this lecture about how disrespectful sleeping and texting in his class is. Worst part is, this won't be the only class I have with him. If I keep up with my Broadcasting major, I'll be seeing a lot more of him in years to come....joy.

I'm hating work. I don't make enough money. I realize that's kinda my own fault because I never want to work and almost throw myself out there when the managers ask who will go home...I just hate waiting tables. I'm so sick of being a waitress. Even when I do actually work, I hardly make any tips! Tips are what we live on, People!!! I don't know how much longer I can deal with that. I'm thinking of maybe working as a hostess instead. But the dilema with that is I don't know if i'll be making as much money! I hate work. Everything about it makes me sick.

My bank account is drained. It's completely gone. Everything I have saved up from the last 2 years has already been wasted paying for school, my laptop and loaning my family money. I don't know what i'm going to do if I get kicked out of the OHLAP program. I don't have the money to pay for all of my school. My parents can't help me out, they've been borrowing money from me! If I fail a class, I'm done for. I'll get kicked out of OHLAP and my financial aid is gone. I'd possibly have to drop out of school.

All this time, all I could think about was my social life. Always thinking about what parties were going on over the weekend, thinking about making as many new friends as I could, finding ways to get out of work so I could go out with my friends, constantly thinking about boys and whether or not someone likes me or I like them. I always put my social life ahead of school, work, and even my family. Drinking has started becoming a problem for me as well. I drink all the time now, and in large amounts. I swear I'm drinking 4 or 5 days a week now. I actually got kicked out of Buffalo Wild Wings last night because someone caught me taking a shot. Apparently I'm not allowed back until I turn 21 unless I'm with family. That's so lame. Well..I actually think it's kinda funny. You know you're a dumbass when you get kicked out of freakin Buffalo Wild Wings. But what's even lamer is that even after getting kicked out, I just sat in Bll's car with Joey and started drinking the vodka that was in his car. Everyone tells me i've turned into an alcoholic. Am I really becoming an alcoholic??

I have to do something about myself. I can't keep doing the things I'm doing if I want to make something of myself. I just don't know how to get myself to focus and stay that way. I feel so lost right now...