Gypsy Woman

I really hope i realize what I'm getting myself into. The pressures, the differences and the disagreements. I don't know what it is about him, but I always find myself back in his path. I never let myself get close enough, but this time is different. He really seems different, like he really wants to change his ways and settle down. If that really is the case, then I will gladly give him a chance, which I am, I just hope I'm not wrong. I hope he's being sincere.

But the things he says...he's a charmer. I've always been good at knowing when someone is just saying things they don't mean to get what they want, but his voice sounds so real when he says it. When he says he wants to straighten out and be with someone real. When he says that for the first time in a while, he actually cares about something more than himself and his brothers. When he looks at me in the eyes and says that he really wants things to work with me. I'm different. I'm not like all those other girls. Apparently I'm real. I can't believe I'm falling for his words. I can't understand it, but I am.

We're going to get so much shit for this.

No one will understand it. They're going to kill us. Well, they'll taunt me and kill him. All the guys will tell me that he's not going to change. I can hear it now. At least I know that if he does play me and I end up broken, they'll break his face. I love my boys.

I'd hate myself if I didn't try and see what happens. The worst that can happen is him breaking my heart. And i've already gained that state of mind where i've realized that every guy I'm with will hurt me at one point or another until I find the man I marry, and even then, he'll probably break my heart once or twice, i'll just actually stuck it up and live with it.

But still, I hope I'm ready for this. This could be total chaos.

Temporary Insanity

Things have been getting a little better for me. I know that I can't just give up on things that easily. Things are improving everyday.

Luckily things with him aren't that bad. Of course nothing ever happened, we remain friends..but i think i'm okay with that again. He still kills me with things he says sometimes, but in a good way. I'm so glad things didn't become awkward after I told him. That would surly have murdered me. We haven't talked as much because we don't have a class together anymore and I hardly see him at work, but I think that could be a good thing for me. I'm not going to completely forget about him, but it'll make it easier for me to move along. Sometimes I question liking him now anyway. Sometimes I get the feeling that maybe I wasn't so crazy about him after all. Maybe I was just crazy about the idea of having someone LIKE him. Whether that's the case or not, i'll let myself believe that. It would do me some good.

School is doing a little better I think. I finished my first class with an A, but I really didn't expect anything lower for that specific class. I'm doing as much extra credit in my Healthy Life Skills class as possible so I can bring my grade up. Not to mention with what we're studying right now, i'm sure to pass the next exam. I mean come on. Sex, Drugs and Alcohol...who wouldn't be interested in that. I actually studied for my mass communications exam and walked out with an A! My professor seemed slightly surprised, but I was glad to have shocked him. And then there's my biggest concern...government. Just took an exam on Monday...and I feel really confident! I studied enough and I knew most everything on there. Then we have extra credit opportunities that I'm happy to do. I think I'll make it through the end of my first semester okay.

Work hasn't gotten any better, but whatever. I'm not going to let that bog me down. I'll probably start looking for a new job here pretty soon. Of course out of the food business. I just don't think I can do that again. And after all that, my social life has managed to stay alive. Not as insane as it used to be, but still there. I think I may have found the perfect balance.

My 19th birthday is tomorrow. I think it'll be a good day. Another year has passed me by...who would have thought i'd make it this far.

Leave Me With Nothing But A Broken Heart.

I told him. I finally got it out. The feelings for him that ive kept hidden inside for so long has been released. And now I feel so empty. I know he doesn't feel the same way about me. I thought I had come to terms with that. I thought I would be okay...but i'm not. It's just not fair. Why did things between us have to be so complicated...I can't even see my computer screen. I've felt this way time and time again, you'd think i'd be used to it by now. But yet it still doesn't seem to get any easier. It's just not fair.

I need a drink.

Am I Too Lost To Be Saved?

It just hit me today. I have a lot more probems than I'd like to think I do. I've focused so much on the things that shouldn't matter so much right now that i've completely let go of what I should be focusing on. I'm not doing as well in school as I pretend. I have a D in Healthy Life Skills because I don't make the time to study for my exams, which i've bombed the only 2 i've taken so far. I've bombed the only too exams i've taken in Government as well, so I can expect a D or possibly an F in that class. Who even knows about my Intro to Mass Comm class...I haven't done that great on some quizzes and the professor probably hates me. I dozed off in his class yesterday and after waking me up went on this lecture about how disrespectful sleeping and texting in his class is. Worst part is, this won't be the only class I have with him. If I keep up with my Broadcasting major, I'll be seeing a lot more of him in years to come....joy.

I'm hating work. I don't make enough money. I realize that's kinda my own fault because I never want to work and almost throw myself out there when the managers ask who will go home...I just hate waiting tables. I'm so sick of being a waitress. Even when I do actually work, I hardly make any tips! Tips are what we live on, People!!! I don't know how much longer I can deal with that. I'm thinking of maybe working as a hostess instead. But the dilema with that is I don't know if i'll be making as much money! I hate work. Everything about it makes me sick.

My bank account is drained. It's completely gone. Everything I have saved up from the last 2 years has already been wasted paying for school, my laptop and loaning my family money. I don't know what i'm going to do if I get kicked out of the OHLAP program. I don't have the money to pay for all of my school. My parents can't help me out, they've been borrowing money from me! If I fail a class, I'm done for. I'll get kicked out of OHLAP and my financial aid is gone. I'd possibly have to drop out of school.

All this time, all I could think about was my social life. Always thinking about what parties were going on over the weekend, thinking about making as many new friends as I could, finding ways to get out of work so I could go out with my friends, constantly thinking about boys and whether or not someone likes me or I like them. I always put my social life ahead of school, work, and even my family. Drinking has started becoming a problem for me as well. I drink all the time now, and in large amounts. I swear I'm drinking 4 or 5 days a week now. I actually got kicked out of Buffalo Wild Wings last night because someone caught me taking a shot. Apparently I'm not allowed back until I turn 21 unless I'm with family. That's so lame. Well..I actually think it's kinda funny. You know you're a dumbass when you get kicked out of freakin Buffalo Wild Wings. But what's even lamer is that even after getting kicked out, I just sat in Bll's car with Joey and started drinking the vodka that was in his car. Everyone tells me i've turned into an alcoholic. Am I really becoming an alcoholic??

I have to do something about myself. I can't keep doing the things I'm doing if I want to make something of myself. I just don't know how to get myself to focus and stay that way. I feel so lost right now...

Luz Sin Gravedad

Sola recordando
mientras los segundos van pasando
no sé cómo te podré olvidar
cae la lluvia en la ventana
dibujando tu mirada
un instante es una eternidad

estoy cansada de soñar, sin ti
confundir la realidad

y no sé si volverás
para amarme y esperar
sin pedirme nada más
si pudiera ser verdad
ya no habría obscuridad

en cada historia hay un final
en cada amor hay desamor
en cada encuentro hay una ilusión
somos tanta gente
sola y diferente
amar es ir contigo hasta morir

y no sé si volverás
para amarme y esperar
sin pedirme nada más
si pudiera ser verdad
ya no habría obscuridad
sólo luz sin gravedad
si pudiera ser verdad
ya no habría obscuridad
ya no habría obscuridad

sola recordanda
mientras los segundos van pasando
no sé cómo te podré olvidar