Ever feel like you're no good at anything?
I always feel that way. I don't even know how I got to this point. I like to think there was something special there before. Now it's all just...a blur.
Life has been so different lately, and yet it hasn't changed a bit. Norman isn't what I expected at all. Moving away from home wasn't as exciting as it should have been. Living with Jeremiah is almost the same as not living with Jeremiah. School sucks just the same. Friends are still half existent. This life is not what it was supposed to be.
I try to stay happy, but deep down when I look into the mirror I know that I'm doing nothing but lying to my own face. But I still try to stay happy.
After all, I have no real reason to be unhappy. My boyfriend is amazing. My family is amazing. My friends are amazing. My school is amazing. My work is amazing? Shit.
Lies.Lies.Lies.
My relationship with Jeremiah scares me sometimes. I'm so madly in love with him; that part is not a lie by any means. I only wonder if he still feels the same anymore. Sometimes I feel as if what we do is just routine. I feel almost feel like his wife already. The part that frightens me is that we are not married...not engaged...not anything with a boyfriend and a girlfriend living together. I question if he's bored already. If he's annoyed already. How the hell did I become the bitchy wife without being an effing wife. What have I gotten myself into?...
My parents have been pretty great lately. They dealt with my move better than I thought they would. Hell, me moving in with my boyfriend wasn't easy for me, I can't imagine how they silently dealt with that. We've been kinder to each other. I get homesick a lot. I can't usually leave my parents house without crying.
...My parents house...I hate saying that. It's still my effing house. It's my real home...
I miss Lee. I miss Cheyenne. I hate that we don't speak anymore. I hate that I can't see how little Cheyenne is growing. Most of all I hate that I can't hate him. After every word...he's still my big brother and I love him.
I'm worthless in school. I don't know how i've made it this far. I've been sitting at this table for 5 hours attempting to write a paper for Philosophy. 5 Hours...for a two page paper...and I'm not even half way there. I'm pathetic.
It's all bullshit.
It's funny when person with so much in life feels like they have nothing at all.
