Going Under.

Ever feel like you're no good at anything?

I always feel that way. I don't even know how I got to this point. I like to think there was something special there before. Now it's all just...a blur.

Life has been so different lately, and yet it hasn't changed a bit. Norman isn't what I expected at all. Moving away from home wasn't as exciting as it should have been. Living with Jeremiah is almost the same as not living with Jeremiah. School sucks just the same. Friends are still half existent. This life is not what it was supposed to be.

I try to stay happy, but deep down when I look into the mirror I know that I'm doing nothing but lying to my own face. But I still try to stay happy.

After all, I have no real reason to be unhappy. My boyfriend is amazing. My family is amazing. My friends are amazing. My school is amazing. My work is amazing? Shit.

Lies.Lies.Lies.

My relationship with Jeremiah scares me sometimes. I'm so madly in love with him; that part is not a lie by any means. I only wonder if he still feels the same anymore. Sometimes I feel as if what we do is just routine. I feel almost feel like his wife already. The part that frightens me is that we are not married...not engaged...not anything with a boyfriend and a girlfriend living together. I question if he's bored already. If he's annoyed already. How the hell did I become the bitchy wife without being an effing wife. What have I gotten myself into?...

My parents have been pretty great lately. They dealt with my move better than I thought they would. Hell, me moving in with my boyfriend wasn't easy for me, I can't imagine how they silently dealt with that. We've been kinder to each other. I get homesick a lot. I can't usually leave my parents house without crying.

...My parents house...I hate saying that. It's still my effing house. It's my real home...

I miss Lee. I miss Cheyenne. I hate that we don't speak anymore. I hate that I can't see how little Cheyenne is growing. Most of all I hate that I can't hate him. After every word...he's still my big brother and I love him.

I'm worthless in school. I don't know how i've made it this far. I've been sitting at this table for 5 hours attempting to write a paper for Philosophy. 5 Hours...for a two page paper...and I'm not even half way there. I'm pathetic.

It's all bullshit.

It's funny when person with so much in life feels like they have nothing at all.

Falling Head Over Feet.

I Love Him.

Yeah, I said it. I love him with everything in me. I know it's only been a few months, but...I just know. I don't even have to think about it at all! I have NEVER in my life felt this way about anyone, or anything! I have no words to describe how he makes me feel. I feel so lucky to have him. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't care who laughs or who doubts, I know in my heart that I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't even want to look. He is seriously the most amazing person I have ever met.

And what's even better, I know I'm not alone in this. The things he says to me...it drives me wild to think anyone could ever have such strong feelings for me. No one has ever treated me with such love and care as he does. I never thought it was possible to love someone so much and so fast, but he proved me oh so wrong. He amazes me.

Well, right now he'll be gone for two months, and it is literally killing me inside. I'm a mess without him. But I know that we will be strong and stick together in this. Now if only I could get him to believe me when I tell him that I am in this till the end. I'm not going anywhere. I guess all I can really do for myself is count down the days till his return.

7 days down, 62 more to go...

It honestly baffles me how one can grow to love another human being this way. It's the most amazing feeling in the world. I remember just months ago, I would lie in bed at night questioning my reasons to live. Now I feel like I actually have something going for me. I've been waiting my whole life to love him. I will never let him go. He is the reason I want to grow up. I am truly blessed.

I can't believe I finally found him.

So there's this boy...

Now I'm not gonna jump out there and call it the L word or whatever, but damn it feels so good...

It's only been two weeks, officially that is, but still I find myself thinking about him day and night. I miss him every moment that we're not together and wait anxiously for the next time I will get to see him. My cheeks are in constant pain from smiling so big, it's a crazy thing. I don't think a guy has ever made me smile so much!

He's the perfect gentleman. Since the very first time I met him, he has done nothing but treat me with full respect and care. It's like he can do no wrong. He knows everything about me, and I mean EVERYTHING...he didn't turn away. Hell, he didn't even blink away. He has accepted me for all that I am, and that's something I thought would take a miracle to happen.

People notice the change in attitude that I've had since I've been with him. I couldn't be happier. From a sincere smile to the bounce in my walk, everyone's seeing that there's something beautiful happening in my life right now. It's almost too good to be true.

I think I may have finally found my Prince Charming <3

"Baby You're My Disease"

Baby, baby,
When we first met,
I never felt somethin' so strong,
You were like my lover and my best friend,
All wrapped in one with a ribbon on it,
And all of a sudden you went and left,
I didn't know how to follow,
It's like a shock that spun me around,
And now my heart's dead,
I feel so empty and hollow.

And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you,
You don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back,
And you're the one to blame,
And now I feel like.

Ohh, you're the reason why I'm thinkin',
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more,
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinkin',
Should've never let you enter my door,
Next time you wanna go on and leave,
I should just let you go on and do it,
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed.

It's like I checked into rehab,
And baby, you're my disease,
It's like I checked into rehab,
And baby, you're my disease,
I gotta check into rehab,
'Cause baby you're my disease,
I gotta check into rehab,
'Cause baby you're my disease.

Damn, ain't it crazy when you're loveswept,
You'd do anythin' for the one you love,
'Cause anytime that you needed me I'd be there,
It's like you were my favorite drug,
The only problem is that you was using me,
In a different way than I was using you,
But now that I know it's not meant to be,
I gotta go, I gotta wean myself off of you.

And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you,
You don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back,
And you're the one to blame,
And now I feel like.

Ohh, you're the reason why I'm thinkin',
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more,
I guess that's what I get for wishful thinkin',
Should've never let you enter my door,
Next time you wanna go on and leave,
I should just let you go on and do it,
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed.

It's like I checked into rehab,
And baby, you're my disease,
It's like I checked into rehab,
And baby, you're my disease,
I gotta check into rehab,
'Cause baby you're my disease,
I gotta check into rehab,
'Cause baby you're my disease.


-- REHAB - Rihanna --

Don't Lie Down With Dogs.

So he dumped me. Go figure, right?

The sad thing is, i've been really upset, but not so much with him as I am with myself. I'm extremely disappointed in myself. I feel stupid. Foolish. I never learn. I did things I didn't want to for him, so I could be a decent girlfriend. I hurt people I didn't mean to hurt. I worst of all, I lost some people that I NEVER wanted to lose. I kicked them to the side because I wanted to try and make things work with him, and in the end, for what? One fucking month? Classic...

That's all it was. One month. A lame excuse for a "relationship". I can't believe I didn't listen to people. I can't believe that instead of going with my heart, I went with my head. And now I'm here. Pitiful. I hope he's happy. For his sake, I hope he finds some nasty tramp to help him out a bit. I think he was about to burst..and I don't really mean that in a bad way. With all sincerity, he's not going to change. For his own good, he might as well jump right back in to the game and take up a few more names for his list. Once a whore, always a whore..

Well, now that I get all of that out of my system, I think i'm okay. It's not like we were dating forever, one month is nothing, just like him. Upset for a few days, now I'm good and ready to have my fun as a single girl again! And hey, some good things have already come out of it. The guys seem a little more comfortable talking to me again. It's like they couldn't before because he was like watching their every move around me lol. I hear some of the guys are REALLY pissed at him, not exactly because of me, but then again for some, I hear that's a good reason. I hear the guys tore him up at meeting on Monday. Not that I want that...well, maybe a little. Can you blame me?! I can't help but love that people are smacking him across the head calling him a fucking idiot. It makes one feel good! And then there's...hmm.

Zach and I are talking again. Last thing I thought would happen, but he was nice enough to come over and give me a hug, apologizing for Ryan's stupidity, which funny enough is the same stupidity he himself made about nine months ago. He apologized profusely for that one, finally clearing the air. That made me really happy. But as we laugh and smile, joking around about how we're both in the same ship (SINGLES UNITED!), I don't know how I really feel about him being back. As long as he doesn't try to "do what feels right" again, I think we'll be okay. But otherwise, I'm just not too sure. Fuck, I don't even want find out what everyone would say...Not happening.

Well, now that's it's done and over with, I hate it, but it's okay. I don't plan on doing things the way with him that I may have done with Zach. I still want to talk to him like the friends that we used to be. I may joke around telling him to go injure some poor girl and get it all out of his system. I know he needs it, and I really mean it in a good joking way! I actually wouldn't doubt he's done it already lol. I refuse to let things be awkward with him. Whatever, I'm so over it. Now I can go back to my ways and be happy. Drink Up!

Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned.

Things are spinning out of control. I'm loosing it. I don't know what I got myself into. God, what have I done?

Things have been going good with him. He makes me happy. No one has given us too much shit like I thought, or at least not to my face. He seems sincere. I believe his words.

They tell me to follow my heart, not my head. Well fuck. I've never been good at that. I can never really figure out which one is coming from my head and which one is coming from my heart. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

My thoughts are killing me. They are my killers. I need to get away. I want to escape. Leave nothing behind...

I know this makes absolutely no sense. My head is just not where it should be. Good thing all this that I write is for my own self.

I am not a saint.
I am not a bad person.
I am not an alcoholic, damn you.

Gypsy Woman

I really hope i realize what I'm getting myself into. The pressures, the differences and the disagreements. I don't know what it is about him, but I always find myself back in his path. I never let myself get close enough, but this time is different. He really seems different, like he really wants to change his ways and settle down. If that really is the case, then I will gladly give him a chance, which I am, I just hope I'm not wrong. I hope he's being sincere.

But the things he says...he's a charmer. I've always been good at knowing when someone is just saying things they don't mean to get what they want, but his voice sounds so real when he says it. When he says he wants to straighten out and be with someone real. When he says that for the first time in a while, he actually cares about something more than himself and his brothers. When he looks at me in the eyes and says that he really wants things to work with me. I'm different. I'm not like all those other girls. Apparently I'm real. I can't believe I'm falling for his words. I can't understand it, but I am.

We're going to get so much shit for this.

No one will understand it. They're going to kill us. Well, they'll taunt me and kill him. All the guys will tell me that he's not going to change. I can hear it now. At least I know that if he does play me and I end up broken, they'll break his face. I love my boys.

I'd hate myself if I didn't try and see what happens. The worst that can happen is him breaking my heart. And i've already gained that state of mind where i've realized that every guy I'm with will hurt me at one point or another until I find the man I marry, and even then, he'll probably break my heart once or twice, i'll just actually stuck it up and live with it.

But still, I hope I'm ready for this. This could be total chaos.